Thursday, March 10, 2011

Charlie Sheen: My Answer To Your Application

The Tiger Blood Test Application

So Charlie Sheen is looking for a #winner. I'm not surprised.

He'll probably get a cocky, fresh-faced guy in his mid-twenties who's sole ambition is to grab the trophy before he ever leaves the starting gate. OR, he'll get a nymph of barely legal age, with nice ta-ta's, who tweets like there's no tomorrow.

:p Thbzzz!

And it will be alllll about #winning. Which I don't believe in.

I believe in winning (but not all of the time, I'm mature enough to accept defeat when I lose) but I believe that being a winner, like living, does not have to include a hash mark.

It sounds as if Charlie Sheen is looking for his own, personal brain to pick. He wants to siphon as much creativity as he can from someone, put his own stamp on it and then put the subsequent profit in his own pocket.

"Yeah, but, that person is gonna be able to stay in my seven-million-dollar mansion, man."

So what.

Judging by the way you've been behaving for the past few months, Charlie, I think I'd rather hang-out with Dr. Strangelove.

"But that person is gonna make some great contacts and earn some real money."

Something tells me that TMZ is going to have a field day with this. Because what you didn't mention in your "application" is the fact that the person you hire will probably be as crazy as YOU are.

Really, Mr. Sheen...I've seen your entourage.

Great minds think alike. And in your case, Chuck, old boy, that's going to require you to hire a real nut ball.

MEMO To Sir Wacko Warlock: One does not have to be crazy to be creative. Sometimes, being free-thinking and savvy is good enough.

For example, the signature line (which I made-up one day on a whim) on my email is:
"I don't think outside any box. I rise up with a balloon."

What do I mean by that statement?

Never mind, Charlie, my explanation will only wind you up tighter than a twisty-tie on a bread wrapper.

So how's life going now in your well-appointed, gilded cage?

Are you having fun, yet?

When are you going to go off in a hot air balloon? Go hang-gliding? Chase whales in Alaska or hoist a few in Ireland?

Are you going to do something noteworthy this Summer, Sheen, or are you just going to become another name on the Sirius/XM dial like Howard Stern?

I hope you're not going to climb up to the top of some building like a pint-sized version of King Kong and brandish that machete, again. I mean, the Swedish Chef on Sesame Street waves a machete, too. But the chef is cool and you are...well...not so much.

Good luck with your tiger blood.

I don't have tiger blood. I don't even have kitty-kat Kool-Aid.

But I'm happy with who I am.

See, Charlie, I've done something that you haven't done. And I will bet that none of your applicants have done, either:

I've spent the past seventeen-years hitchhiking all over North America. I traveled thousands upon thousands of miles in 2010. I stuck my thumb out by Interstates and country roads.

I met new people every day.

Yes, I am the only lady that I know who can get a driver in a big eighteen-wheeler to pull off a busy Interstate and stop. Many times, I've had only about three minutes to get to know someone before I hopped in the vehicle. As a result, I am very good at getting to know someone in a very short amount of time.

I didn't take every ride that stopped. I let God and my own instincts be my guide.

I've learned how to think fast and be resourceful. And that's why I'm still here today to tell you about it.

Sometimes, I slept in a field. Sometimes I stood in a hard, cold rain. Sometimes I didn't sleep for two days straight. Sometimes I walked for miles before I camped in a rest area for the night.

But I've sure had some adventures! Many of them are listed here in my blog.

I never got arrested. I never became bitter. I've never lost my focus on what is most important in my life.

My heart is open. My mind is free. And I live by the same set of rules that I have maintained for fifty-five years.

That makes me a winner.

I don't need to tattoo it on my wrist, Charlie.

I've already got it set in my life.

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