Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Barry Bonds: Balls Tell It All!

The funniest words written in a top story this week:

["Late Tuesday, the judge said she is inclined to pare back the government's evidence some more. She said she is thinking of throwing out testimony from Bonds' former girlfriend, Kimberly Bell, suggesting that Bonds had suffered atrophy of his testicles. The judge said the government hadn't sufficiently proved that occurred or that it was a side effect of steroid use."--Lance Williams/The Barry Bonds Trial/San Francisco Chronicle, 4/5/11.]


If it came down to it, how WOULD the government assess the status of Barry's ANY given point in time?

I mean, REALLY?

(Something You'll Never See On Court TV):

"Your Honor, we believe that we can prove that Mr. Bonds, did, in fact, use steroids in an irresponsible and reckless fashion."

"How do you plan to do that?"

"We now have, for the Court's perusal, high-resolution images of Barry Bonds' balls. And we believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that we can prove our case with the addition of these pictures."

"Did Mr. Bonds actually consent to having his testicles photographed?"

"Yes, Your Honor, he posed for this first photo right before he brokered it off to TMZ."

"However, after we acquired the first photograph, we took possession of a second photograph that was taken by Mr. Bond's own, personal physician."

(Two photographs, positioned side-by-side, are displayed on a huge, flat screen.)

"Now, if you look at the photograph on the left, you will notice that Barry Bonds' balls are healthy and have the robust appearance of two large coconuts. On the right, are the same pair that, after constant steroid abuse, now resemble two partially deflated hot air balloons."

Meanwhile, Barry sits with his defense people and closes his eyes. Underneath his sport jacket, he wears a black t-shirt with red lettering that says: "Just Shoot Me!"

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