Saturday, January 23, 2016
The Hospital Hotel
Are you looking for a unique getaway?
Then consider the Hospital Hotel!
Once inside this merry medical land, you will be transported to a private room
that includes a special bed. The bed is equipped with buttons. One
button will raise your back straight up and the other button will elevate your legs.
If you push both buttons...you will be stuck in a hole in the mattress for the
remainder of your stay.
Keep your clothes packed! Because after you check-in to the Hospital
Hotel, you won't need them. No, my friend...you will trade your street clothes for
a gown that will keep you cool and will expose your backside
to public viewing at every opportunity. Included with your gown will be a pair of white,
mesh underwear that will suddenly roll down whenever you walk to the bathroom.
And what a restroom it is! Your private toilet will include a plastic cup that's designed
to catch all of your pee. If you happen to feel the need to drop something more
solid...the cup and the "where the hell is the back end of the seat?" arrangement will
be sure to confuse you in the middle of the night. Plus, you will be catered to by a
nursing staff who will ask you loudly for a toilet report...at least fourteen times a day.
Your entertainment will include a TV that's mounted so high up on the wall that
you will be unable to hear it or read the closed captioning unless you are standing
directly below it. The TV remote will offer you a series of sophisticated options that
you will be sure to get mixed-up with the included "call nurse" button.
But wait, there's more!
You will also get poked with needles. Yes, you lucky soul, the nursing staff will
stick a needle in your vein whenever they want to draw blood out or put medication in.
They will poke you in your hand, your arm, your stomach and your groin.
When your able staff isn't puncturing your skin, they will wrap a blood pressure cuff
around your arm. Then they will hook the cuff up to a sadistic machine that will slowly
but surely squeeze your arm until it is flattened like a waffle. This will prove to be a
very fascinating experience at 2 o'clock in the morning.
So, come visit the Hospital Hotel. I promise that it will be an experience that you'll